Its not Easy being Green er, uh, Blue

Maybe not really blue, but definitely out of sorts. Is it winter? the holidays? Or one more step in the grieving process… post holiday blahs? post vacation (I have a boring life) blues?

We are almost done closing up my Dad’s estate. For our trip to Hawaii, Debby and I were able to use my Dad’s US Air air miles for a free trip (did YOU know you can inherit miles?). When we got home the lawyer told us that the IRS is going to forgive the penalties and interest they wanted to extract from us. So that’s good news, right?

Somehow it makes my Dad’s death all the more real. Finalizing makes things, well, final.

It is time to move on, I feel it. And even though in some ways having all this paperwork pending keeps me closer to my Dad, I know it’s closer in a thoroughly unhealthy way. I’m just not entirely sure how to push through. I have projects of my own I am not working on. Writing I am not doing. So if anyone has any tips, or recommendations for a good therapist, let me know. 🙂

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yes I’m neurotic

Aren’t we all?

I know I just posted that very negative post. I wrote it earlier. I don’t feel that bad anymore, but it did feel cathartic to expunge it from my body. To get those words out of my head… So please, don’t feel you need to comment with words of support. I DO know I have friends out there in the universe, in the blogosphere, and even here in my home, in my neighborhood and in my cobbled together family.

and if you are feeling bad, check out Jen Lemen’s blog. I met her at Blogher in New York.

Astrologer or Therapist?

Today’s horoscope via tarot.com

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Circumstances seem to get in the way of your high hopes for meaningful dialog today. There are so many topics you really want to talk about as your emotions bump up against the reality of your current relationships.

Even if it feels like the resistance is coming from someone else, look within to see how you have contributed to establishing the distance. Increasing your self-awareness will help the boundaries dissipate over the next few days.

makes me think I should find the services of a good astrologer rather than a therapist…

But wait, there’s more

If bad things come in threes I’m in trouble.
I’m bummed because my plans to have FUN this evening were cancelled.
and so I worked late, great talk with my boss, brainstorming, planning, shooting the breeze, finishing up some stuff…
and then my roommate called.
Alex, my cat, has another Urinary Tract Infection. It’s bad. She’s bleeding a lot.
So I fly home as fast as my little turbo-charged beetle can take me, to take care of my cat. It’s bad.
Her little kitty bed (lined with newspaper) is red with blood. Bloody urine.
nice.
and her little kitty but is drenched in urine soaked blood.
I gave her an antibioitic I have left over from the last UTI.
Then I called the vet.
I really don’t want to take her in.
It’s traumatic for everyone.
And Expensive.
And I’m broke.
and all this reminds me what a Bad Kitty Mommy I am.
She’s 14 years old.
And costing me a fortune.
I’ve renamed her “Down Payment.”
And I don’t want to put her down.
Because I’m not sure I can do it.
How do you know when the time is right?
Every 3 or 4 months we go through this bloody but thing.
And she can’t walk very well.
But she still loves me.
And she still likes to play with the newspaper, especially on Sunday Mornings when we play hide the kitty in the paper.
And she purrs.
And she has her box that she stays in most of the time.
And when there’s dinner involved she can get to the kitchen in record time, even if she is dragging her hind legs behind her.
So is it time?
And how can I force her into the cat carrier and take her to the vet where she hates everyone and will hiss and growl and try to bite and then they will kill her?
shit shit shit shit shit.
Probably a good thing my plans got cancelled ’cause I am NOT good company right now. But still, it sucks having to do all this shit alone.

Deadline.

Sorry I’ve not posted lately…. I don’t really know to whom I am apologizing, the universe? the internets? the 3 people that read my blog? (Hi Leah, Joe, Sheila). Part of the “posting problem” is that I am on deadline to finish my book. Now lest ye get all excited thinking I have a publishing contract or something (I wish) the deadline is to submit a “whole” draft to my fellow writers — and the professor– who will be teaching the Master Class at the Taos Summer Writing Conference in July. I have been accepted into the class, limited to only 6 attendees, and with the expectation that said attendees have a ‘whole” draft of their “novel length” piece ready for critique. HA HA HA…. what was I thinking? I’m writing at a snail’s pace of 2 pages per week, and even turning those in late to my own Read and Critique group. I have 128 pages. Make that 130…. I should have 200 pages of “Reconstructing My Mother.” My deadline is May 18 to be postmarked. No exceptions.
Like I said. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Oh yeah, I’ve been depressed. April 15 marked the one year anniversary of my father’s passing… not to mention the fact that I OWED the flipping IRS and I am totally broke and feeling completely pathetic and depressed and lonely and ugly even though everyone keeps saying how great my hair looks and my new glasses and “are you SEEEING someone…” yeah. right. did I mention that I was depressed?

In conclusion. I have a book to write. I just stopped in to say hello.